None of us are strangers to the twin responses of resentment and revenge when we have been wronged. There are the minor irritants of being cut off in traffic or the frustration of trying to get customer assistance over the phone. And while these are not life-threatening situations, we often find ourselves experiencing a physical response that is akin to being threatened. Our blood pressure goes up, our heart begins racing and we want to jump out of our skin with anger and irritation.
This happened to me a couple of days ago when a woman pulled out from a side street directly into a highway, hitting the back of the vehicle I was a passenger in, spinning us around in a circle and totaling my friend’s car. Not only was I scared but I was furious at her and wanted nothing to do with her. She was in the wrong and my judgement of her was immediate and negative. Thankfully my friend was much more gracious and was able to talk with her and discover that she was delivering meals on wheels to the elderly and simply didn’t see us.
As we marked the 25th Anniversary of 9-11, many people reflected on how that changed us individually and as a nation. We remember heroism and unity in the face of hatred and violence. But we also recognized the desire for revenge and retaliation that led to years of violence in Iraq and Afghanistan and the rise of suspicion and division within our country.
On that horrible day, I was in Reno, Nevada serving as the Rector of St. Paul’s Episcopal Church. Since I didn’t have a TV at home, I set up one in my office as we worked to pull together a vigil service for that evening. The crisis of 9-11 came on top of another crisis that I and the congregation were facing.
We had welcomed a sweet and troubled man into the community and he had been worshipping and participating in activities for a number of months. He had been in an accident and experienced a traumatic brain injury that made it difficult for him to hold down a job or relationship. He was lonely and he became fixated on me as both a spiritual guide and a woman.
After weeks of inappropriate letters, gifts and phone messages, I realized I couldn’t handle this by myself. Our congregation included a number of current and former law officers, so I spoke to one who served as a detective. He was planning on meeting me at church on 9-11 to interview me about the situation. I was certain that we would need to postpone our meeting, but when I contacted him, he was insistent that we go forward with it because he was very concerned.
After he reviewed all the evidence, he sat across from me with an extremely serious face and tone. He was clear that this behavior was stalking and that it was escalating and I was in danger. He insisted that I would need to ban the troubled man from church and that I could no longer have any contact with him. He would send a uniformed officer to his home to give him that message. In addition, he said that I should tell my Vestry and leadership and that I should never again be alone at church.
For months, I had been trying to handle the situation alone, to help the guy, to be a good pastor and Christian. After all, doesn’t Jesus ask us to forgive not just once, twice or seven times, but seventy times seven? I didn’t want to hurt or reject him or to turn him away from God in his time of need. And I didn’t want to turn the rest of the congregation against him or shame him.
The detective was much more experienced than I at this type of thing, and he was taking it so seriously on a day when all hell was breaking loose around us. I followed his advice. The individual was contacted, the leadership of the parish quietly and with compassion made sure I was safe and tragedy was averted.
When Jesus tells the parable about the two debtors, he is deliberately using extreme hyperbole to make a point. The first debtor owes more than anyone could borrow in three or four lifetimes. It is an impossible amount. The forgiveness offered by the King is unbelievably magnanimous with absolutely no consequences for the indebted slave. The slave’s pettiness, revenge and retaliation against a fellow member of his community is therefore ridiculously egregious. He has responded with such evil intention that the rest of the community rises up and reports him. Finally, the punishment for his lack of charity and gratitude is utter and complete, a sign of how much worse it is to be unforgiving than it is to be a debtor.
When my beloved church community rallied around me and also treated the offender with dignity and restraint, there was so much grace and healing possible. While the man who had been stalking me was not allowed to return to St. Paul’s, he was able to find a Roman Catholic congregation that fit his upbringing and spiritual needs. He wasn’t punished, but rather offered proper boundaries and a way towards health and healing.
At the same time a colleague of mine had a similar situation in a nearby parish with a woman who had developed an unhealthy attachment to him. She also had a sense of entitlement as a valuable and irreplaceable volunteer in the congregation and diocese. Sadly, when she was confronted with her behavior and given boundaries that would be healthy for her and the church, sadly she took her own life, leaving a message that the church would not be allowed to have any kind of funeral or memorial service for her. This extreme act of resentment and revenge was a tragedy for everyone.
I share these stories because every day we wrong one another. We experience resentment and a desire to retaliate and to exact revenge. Often the causes seem insignificant or unimportant, but the wisdom of Jesus calls us to seek forgiveness and reconciliation, not only for grave sin and error but also for every harm we have done or that has been done to us.
This is a tall order! None of us is capable of this level of wisdom, maturity and grace. And yet, that is what we have received from God in the love of Jesus Christ. In Christ there is perfect forgiveness and the strength to begin again. We don’t have to be foolish or to allow others to continue abusing us, but we are called to let go of resentment and revenge for the hope of a new beginning.
Every week, we participate in a common confession. We recognize things we have done and those we have left undone. Sometimes what we have done harms someone directly as we exact revenge or respond out of resentment, impatience or judgement. And sometimes what we’ve left undone is to forgive. Forgiveness not only of others, but of ourselves. Absolution is a proclamation of the forgiveness of God and an opportunity for a second chance. It is grace and mercy undeserved but intended to change us and invite us to live in newness of life. It is the power of the Spirit to love those we don’t like and to forgive as we have been forgiven.
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